Thursday, July 10, 2008

Expectations in Relationships

"All I want is for him to call me once a day. Is that too much to ask?" Anonymous

Ahhh...relationships. Why do they have to be so damn difficult sometimes? It should be smooth sailing right? Perhaps men are REALLY from Mars and women REALLY are from Venus. Nah, that explanations too simple.

So I did a fun GOOGLE search and typed in
"wants to talk to me on the phone every day"
and to no surprise, I found hundreds of forums and posts from men complaining about how their girlfriends were requesting a phone call every single day. Note: The key to my findings are that these were boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, not husband/wife!

Here is expert advice from a single guy that considers himself America's Dating Expert.

Question: My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say "no way, it pushes my buttons". She says "If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to". What is the phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?

I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.

– Frustrated and Exhausted

Dear Frustrated and Exhausted,

So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.

Got it.

My friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right”. And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is – what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?

Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.

Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.

Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.

Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?

If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.

It may be annoying, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.

So, there you have it! Advice from America's Dating Expert himself. My only question he still single? I know lots of eligible women in NYC.

Oh...and for those of you who are are some tips from real therapists on how to maintain a happy marriage! Cheers! XOXO

1 comment:

Mr Dinkle Says: said...

Quite the site you have here, BRAVO! Very interesting. Thanks for the link regarding marriages, I'll be sure to save some of those tips.